From Hookups to Healing: Done with the Shots, the Circuits, and the shadows.
From Hookups to Healing: Done with the Shots, the Circuits, and the shadows.
For many gay men in their late 30s and 40s+, the questions of connection, fulfillment, and mental health loom large. Growing up in a disconnected hook-up culture, navigating the anxiety of late-stage capitalism, and shouldering generational trauma often leaves us asking: What's beyond the engless sex, the drugs, and the circuit? And no, you don’t have to join a yoga retreat—unless you’re into that.
Breaking Free: Escaping the Tequila & Treadmill Cycle
While our younger years might have been spent chasing fleeting connections or dancing like no one’s watching (except everyone is, because well, circuit), many of us are now yearning for deeper, more enduring experiences. The good news? It's never too late to change, and it is always more gratifying than that fourth tequila shot. The bad news tho, it is a lot of work, if you are willing to come face to face with all the murky parts we choose to ignore or put aside.
Ditch the Drama:
Therapy is the New Black: Find an affirming therapist to help you unpack those baggage sets.
Upgrade Your Squad: Surround yourself with queens and kings who lift you up, not just your drink.
Cut the Clutter: Limit toxic patterns—whether it’s Grindr marathons or that third vodka soda.
But to be completely honest, 7 years later, and I wonder if therapy is making a difference
Queer Magic: Our Culture Is More Sweaty clubs and skimpy jockstraps.
Our community is extreme. We can be the most judgmental and exclusionary bunch, with hurt egos, denial, and an extravagant flair for numbing ourselves in style. We have an affinity for beauty and a very low tolerance for rejection. But in the best way possible, we can also be the most compassionate, caring, and protective group out there. We've seen all kinds of queer artists and fierce activists, we’ve got history, creativity, and a heaping dose of resilience to lean on. Reconnecting with this legacy can remind us of the beauty and depth that gay culture has to offer—it’s more than just glitter, good vibes and jockstraps (though those are great, too).
Tapping into That Gay Magic:
Paint the Town Rainbow: Hit up drag shows, gallery openings, or host your own event at home, I generally do game board nights, and it's a great time for us to be wacky, wild, and build community.
Karma Is Sexy: Volunteer for a cause to meet like-minded hotties who care. or if you are an introvert like me, donate money, or clothes.
Story Time: Dive into queer literature or binge queer history documentaries for a rich dose of inspo. My latest fave was Will & Harper - Netflix trailer
Swipe Left on Superficiality: Real Relationships, Real Feels
In a world that often prioritizes surface-level interactions, building meaningful relationships—romantic or platonic—requires intention and, let’s face it, a bit of vulnerability. But don’t worry, you’re fabulous enough to handle it.
Tips for Serving Realness:
Own Your Weird: Be authentic. Vulnerability is like glitter—it’s messy, but it sticks. Lately I've been opening up more about the parts of myself that I hide from others, my social anxiety, my escapism from the world and the isolation I put myself through when I don't feel good about myself, and the ways I harm myself with unhealthy choices are things I used to keep to myself, and always project an image of joy and health.`
Brains > Biceps: Look for shared values and mutual respect, though thirst traps are allowed. But you have to choose with which type of connections you are going to fill your days. The concept of I'll do hookups until something comes along is also what keep us trapped and distracted from pursuing other activities that may lead to a more organic encounter that is base on shared values.
Community Is Key: Find your people in sports leagues, book clubs, arcades or your local drag bingo.
From Shame to Shine: Healing with Extra Sparkle
The journey isn’t always easy. The shame we’ve carried can feel heavy, but it’s not insurmountable. Each step toward healing—whether through therapy, community building, or self-discovery—chips away at that weight. And in its place? A renewed sense of hope, joy, and connection. And yes, "it’s okay to ugly-cry along the way", I said...me to me daily
Glow-Up Mantras:
You are worthy of love and connection.
Your story is resilience served with flair.
You may not be perfect, nor patient but you are persistent.
Joy is your birthright—snatch it back, boy.
What's next in Your Big, Beautiful, Messy Gay Life
As we navigate life beyond intrinsically curious "Don't catch feelings, only STI's" culture, we have the power to redefine what fulfillment means. By bluntly addressing our trauma head on, celebrate the small wins, support culture, and making space for authentic, yet organic connections, we can begin creating more purpose and joy. There’s more to life than the circuit—and it starts with embracing the light we carry within ourselves and each other.
Speaking of light and laughs, keep an eye out for our podcast Live Laugh Loads, launching next year! We’ll tackle everything from dating drama and mental health to thriving in our messy, fabulous gay lives. Check out more at our blog: Live Laugh Loads.
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